Bored… Restless… and Empty
One of the symptoms of BPD is a persistent feeling of emptiness, which may manifest itself in a variety of ways, including boredom. I don’t know if that’s why I’m feeling so bored and restless lately, but it very well may be.
Sometimes I am so bored I just sit aimlessly for hours at a time trying to decide what I feel like doing, only to realize I don’t feel like doing anything. I made a list for such times… a list that has activities I enjoy doing. But when I get like this, nothing seems appealing. I can read over the list a hundred times… I can force myself to do something on the list, but i feel like a shell of a person, simply going through the motions without enjoying it. I usually quickly lose interest in whatever I try… though I’m not certain that’s accurate, since I’m usually not interested in doing it in the first place. No matter how “fun” it is. No matter how much I normally enjoy doing it.
For example, I’ll game for a few minutes, get bored, wander around the house, get bored, try knitting, get bored, play with the cats, get bored, try to read, get bored… You get the idea. Or if I’m at work, it’s more like – check email, get bored, work on a project for a few minutes, get bored, check email again, get bored, go to a meeting, get bored. Luckily, if there is a deadline I can usually pull it together and get my work done. But sometimes, it seems like I only spend an hour or two actually working on days like this… because I just can’t seem to find something I want to work on. Instead, most of my day is spent aimlessly going from task to task.
This is one of those feelings that I have always felt. And because I have never “not” felt this way, I can’t help but wonder if it’s normal. I mean, when does feeling bored and restless become abnormal? How often does a normal person feel this way? How long does the feeling last? How many activities does a normal person have to try before they find something to alleviate their boredom? Does not being able to find something I want to do mean I’m empty inside? Do other people feel empty and restless at times? If so, how often and for how long?
Worst of all, when I feel this way I also feel worthless. Bored, restless, and worthless. And i believe that if I could find just one thing to be interested in, one person to spend time with, that the feeling of emptiness and worthlessness will go away. But it doesn’t.
I want to fill the emptiness, quell the boredom, but I don’t know how. I want to learn a better way. But I don’t even know where to start.