Birthday Wishes…
One of the distinguishing characteristics of BPD is how fast we cycle through emotions. One moment, or one day, we can feel frustrated and unloved, and the next moment, we can feel exuberant and full of love. It’s scary sometimes even to me how quickly I can go from mood to mood, from fear to confidence, from anger to adoration, from sadness to joy. And if you read this blog regularly, you will see the changes in tone as my moods ebb and flow. I’ve come to realize trying to remain calm and collected all the time just isn’t who I am… all I can hope to do is recognize the shift from mood to mood and use the skills I’ve learned to lessen their intensity. And hopefully be able to not hurt the people I love with my reactivity to these emotional ups and downs.
Today I feel more centered, and I feel loved. You see, the story I told myself about my boyfriend not caring enough to remember my birthday. All the stuff I wrote in the last post… It was all in my head. He planned a surprise weekend away… to a lovely secluded cabin in the country. I felt like a dope for getting all worked up over the doubt I planted in my own head. We had a very nice time and I was able to finally decompress a bit.
There are so many negative experiences and myths running amok around my head sometimes. Ok… most of the time. I expect things to go wrong. I expect people not to care about me, or remember me, or do something nice for me. There are so many myths I hold onto as gospel. And unlearning them is a sucky, long, and laborious process. But it’s lesson I need to keep working on. And I will.
I am not unloved. But to fully embrace that, I need to be able to love myself. I need to believe that things don’t always go wrong and that people won’t always hurt me. Sometimes stories do have happy endings and birthday wishes do come true…
*smiles* I guess maybe murphy had BPD. No matter how bad things get or could get, there is always, as long as you still breathe, there is hope and and a pretty good chance that things will get better. Stay positive and things will go your way eventually, just have to stick with it.