Ooooh… She’s a Little Run-Away…
I know there are a lot of things a BPD does that make someone not familiar with the disorder bang their head on a wall and scream, “Why!?” And one of those things is something I do pretty much instinctively. It’s something that makes no logical sense. It’s wanting to be close to someone so badly one moment, and the next moment, pushing away. And it’s something a lot of Borderlines do. Get close only to run away.
I’ve told my boyfriend that our relationship is over more times then I care to remember. I’ve actually broken up with him twice since we’ve been together and have even walked away from our engagement. (Sometimes I swear he has to be one of the most patient men in the world to still love me and want to be with me.) It’s not that I don’t love him. It’s not that I don’t want to spend my life with him. But when things get overwhelming in life and love, my first instinct is to run away. I know this is a pattern of mine, so I try to be cautious of it. Like when I blurt out that I never want to see him again during an argument. That’s me being impulsive and reactive, and I try really hard not to do it. But lately, that urge to push away and to flee has grown and infringed into the day to day moments… and I can’t figure out if it’s stress or a legitimate concern that needs to be taken seriously.
Part of it is I still haven’t learned to hold onto my own identity while I’m in a relationship. I’m getting better at it, but I am still far from proficient. As a result, I don’t always make the best decisions for myself when I’m in a relationship, especially if those decisions would oppose the wants and needs of the other person. If my partner doesn’t eat healthy or exercise, I stop eating healthy and exercising. If my partner is not financially responsible, I spend a little more carelessly. If my partner is sloppy, I end up being sloppy. It’s not like it even happens consciously. It just gradually happens over time.
Maybe it’s because there is a part of me that wants to be lazy, eat whatever I want, and buy anything I desire. But when left to my own devices, I don’t. It’s like the other person gives me some kind of silent permission to make poor choices for myself. They allow me to let the irresponsible side of me out. It’s like I don’t quite know how to make the right choice for me if my partner’s choices are different then mine.
Or maybe I’m just using him as a scapegoat for my own lack of will. Maybe by blaming him for my problems, I suddenly don’t feel so overwhelmed. Because if it’s all his fault, then all I have to do is leave him and my life will get back on track, right? Suddenly there is a solution I can control and I’m no longer the failure I feel like when I make poor choices for myself. But that leads to ending a relationship that may very well be worth staying in…. which is not something I want to do.
I don’t want to run away from this relationship… but I also know that right now, as it is, it’s not good for me. It doesn’t matter why or whose fault it is (I’m sure blame can be founf on both our parts), I need to be able to take care of myself and make good decisions for myself without outside influences tugging at me. Until I learn how to do that, I’m not even sure if I belong in a relationship. But it’s not ~just~ my decision to make. So i won’t become a run-away. I’ll fight the urge, face the fear, and give him and the relationship a chance. And if that chance doesn’t work out, I may have to walk away… but that decision will not be one made by my fear and doubts. It won’t be made by my BPD. It won’t be running away, it will be walking in a new direction. One that is right for me. Though I really hope we can find a direction that is right for both of us… a direction we can walk together.
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