Forgotten

Last night as I was talking to my boyfriend, a realization hit me.  A fundamental difference in perception became perfectly clear to me.  You see, for me, out of sight means out of mind.  I firmly believe that when people are not around me or interacting with me, they don’t ever think about me.  It made me wonder how many people with BPD feel the way I do… and how many “normal” people feel like this.

For example, during my day I may get a funny email or get a compliment on something I’ve done, and my boyfriend pops into my mind because I want to share these things with him.  Sometimes thoughts of him, or other friends just pop in my head for no reason.  But that’s not how imagine other people think of me.  I feel that, unless I am present and engaging them, that in their minds, I just disappear.  I believe the thought of me never pops into anyone else’s head, and that I’m not the person friends think of when they want to share something, either good or bad.  It’s not that I feel I’m an afterthought, I feel like I am not a thought at all.

I feel like I am not important enough to anyone to be that person they think of fondly.  I imagine my former friends never even think about me or the good times we had like I do.  I “know” that they don’t miss me.  Because deep down, I believe that not a single one of them feels like I’m worth missing or that I am worth remembering.

And now that my boyfriend is out of state on business, I feel like he doesn’t miss me either.  I doubt he even thinks about me during his day, even though I know he loves me.  It’s just that I believe I cease to exist in anyone’s mind if I’m not there.  And because I believe this, my mind scrambles to find proof that I am forgettable everywhere.

• My boyfriend not calling me when he gets off work.
• Friends going to a movie and not thinking to invite me.
• My coworkers going to lunch and not asking me to join them.
• Friends who never call or IM me first, even just to say hi.

I’m a likable person and I can tell that when I am around people, my company is enjoyed.  But I feel invisible sometimes.  Unwanted and unworthy of the consideration of the people I care most about.  I’m afraid to be alone because once I am, I fear I will cease to exist in the minds and hearts of the people I care about the most.  And if that happens, do I cease to exist completely?

I guess we all struggle with wondering if we matter in the lives of the people we care about to some degree.  We rarely take the time to tell the people we love how important they are to us, and I think that’s just human nature.  You never know what you have until its gone… but when I’m gone, from the room or from a hopefully very long and full life, will I even be remembered?  Does the thought of me fade the moment I leave, or does it linger?  If I am not worth a “second thought”, then what does that say about me as a friend, a lover, or a person?

If you wonder why someone with BPD needs reassurance of how much they mean to you, this is probably one of the reasons.  It’s not that I don’t feel important or worthy to myself… just not important or worthy to other people.  So I long to hear that I am once in a while.  Or even better, to be shown with a kind or thoughtful action.  I’m not the empty black pit that I once was, and don’t need other people’s approval or attention as much as I once did, but that longing is still there.  Haunting me when I’m alone… when I feel abandoned… when I feel forgotten.  And that feeling is more horrible then i can even attempt to express in words.

~ by Enygma on July 23, 2008.