BPD and Suicide: A Personal Reflection

I know this entry may upset people, especially the people who care about me. But this needs to be said.

Experts estimate that suicide rates among people with BPD are very high, reaching 10 to 15 percent. In fact, suicide attempts and suicidal tenancies (threats, engaging in reckless, self harming behavior) are one of the characteristics of someone with Borderline Personality Disorder. I would like to say that I am and exception to that indicator, but I can’t.

Sometimes the pain is so intense and I feel so trapped, dying feels not only like a viable option, but the only way to escape the pain. I don’t want to end my life per say, I just don’t want to live with the pain anymore, and I know that doesn’t really sound like a huge difference. But it tosses me in the passive category. That may not sound like a big difference, but it keeps me from acting on the desire to fall asleep and not wake up. But that passive approach to stopping the pain hasn’t always been the case. In 2000, in the midst of a deep depression and brutal argument with my then husband, I attempted an overdose. My stomach was pumped, I was admitted to the hospital, and spent three days working with the experts there. One psychiatrist deemed that I was not a direct threat to myself and released me with some anti-depressants and an agreement to seek the help of a therapist.

He was right. I didn’t want to die. I value my life a great deal. But that doesn’t mean I don’t think about it sometimes. When life feels like it won’t get any better, or when I hurt so deeply that it seems like the pain itself might kill me, the thought slams into me like a truck. I think, “I could end this right now and never have to hurt again.” Usually the thought goes as fast as it comes, but sometimes it lingers long enough to scare me. Like last night.

I’m not sure why it hit me so hard. I have been under immense stress lately. I’m not sleeping well again and feel like the man I want to spend my life with will always be hundreds of miles away, leaving no real future for us. Add in work being crazy busy, all of the financial uncertainties, and my boyfriend leaving the state on business this weekend… Well, I hurt so deeply and felt so hopeless last night that I thought my heart would explode from the sheer pain of it all. And I wanted it to end so badly, the thought of death was almost comforting. I didn’t want to actively take my life… didn’t even come close to actually doing anything that would put me in danger. But I was close enough to see down into that black pit of nothingness, and it terrified me.

I don’t believe I’ll become a statistic, but I had thought that feeling was finally gone. I haven’t felt that desperate in months… almost a year. To find myself wanting to end the pain so badly after all the progress I’ve made and all the coping strategies I’ve learned… I wonder if there is any hope for me ever escaping the clutches of this disease.

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If you feel suicidal, or you feel that someone you love is in danger of taking their own life, seek help immediately. There are many resources available to help. I suggest keeping the number of your therapist and a suicide hotline with you at all times, and giving a copy of that information to someone you trust to help you in case of an emergency.

~ by Enygma on July 17, 2008.