A Life Worth Living

One of the phrases we coined in my DBT group was having a “life worth living”.  It’s part of the Emotional regulation module, specifically the lesson about increasing positive emotions and experiences.   I’ve been trying to craft a “life worth living” for a while now… but without really having a grasp of what that meant.  What ~MY~ life worth living looked like.  You see, I have been living a life my mom thought was worth living, or my husband thought was worth living, or my friends thought was worth living for so long, I lost track of what ~I~ thought was a life worth living.  I was so busy living other people’s idea of what life should be,  I never bothered to figure out what I wanted my own life to look like.

Maybe that’s where the empty feeling comes from.  At least for me.  Outside I have been a collection of other people’s expectations.  My own expectations of myself were sprinkled on there as well, but unfortunately most of them have been based around a lifetime of distorted thoughts.  But I never took the time to figure out what was inside that outer layer.  And when I did, what I found was full of pain and fear, becasue it didn’t match up at all with the life I had created.  Becasue I wasn’t living my life… I was living someone else’s.

~My~ life worth living is pretty simple.  A good job I enjoy.  I home I look forward to returning to.  Friends I like to share time with.  And the freedom to live my life the way I want.  I have started to discover how to let go of other people’s expectations of me and pay attention what I want for my life… what I want my life to look like.  Whether it’s as simple as deciding to keep a jigsaw puzzle out on the dining room table instead of keeping my house “spotless and uncluttered”, or as major as realizing I don’t need to have kids and a house with a white picket fence to lead a happy and fulfilling life.  And surprisingly, once I started to define my life worth living, I realized that I am already living it.  Yes, there are parts of it I would like to change… to improve… to “tweak” a bit.  But for the first time in my life, i feel like there is more to me then just a facade.  A reflection of what other people expect to see.  I am finally ready to be myself and live my own life.

My own life.  That is a life worth living.

~ by Enygma on July 9, 2008.