Many Ways to Leave Your… Borderline?
Lately, my blog has gotten a lot of hits from people doing searches for keywords like “how to leave your borderline friend”, etc… I was a little weirded out at first, I’m not sure if was the fact that people are coming here seeking advice on how to “abandon” a relationship with someone suffering with BPD or not, but I decided to poke around the internet myself and see what kind of advice was out there.
Most of the advice I found was written from a non-BPD’s point of view and a lot of it was very harsh and didn’t take the well-being of BOTH parties into consideration. Now I admit, someone who is at the mercy of BPD may have a very hostile or extreme reaction to someone leaving them, but reactions are as individual as people are. To generalize advice and lump all BPD’s into the “dangerous” category seems a bit wrong somehow.
Let’s take me for example. I’m what most people, including my therapist, call a “high-functioning Borderline”, so my reaction to rejection is probably different from someone who is barely able to control, or even unwilling to accept their BPD. If you are in a relationship with a violent or abusive person, get out of the relationship as quickly and as safely as possible. However, if your Borderline is seeking therepy or has a fair amount of control over their disease, then it may help to hear what I am about to say.
If someone leaves me, I don’t stalk them, try to ruin their lives, or hurt them in any way. I turn the hurt inside and rip myself to shreds. I blame myself for the relationship falling apart and my sense of self collapses. Especially if they leave without an explanation. Some recent examples of relationships that ended illustrate some of the different ways people can leave a realationship… and the impact they have on someone with BPD.
The first time this occurred was when one of my closest friends was kinda burned out with all my drama. She told me that she needed some space and just couldn’t handle the relationship right now. She said she needed some time away from me, a couple of weeks or maybe a month, and explained that she was still my friend and cared deeply about me. She also assured me that when things calmed down, she would be a part of my life again. It hurt. I cried after the conversation ended. I was scared she was leaving for good, but something about the way she calmly explained what SHE needed and that she still loved me… Well, I left her alone, gave her the space she needed, and we’re as close as ever now. I didn’t rip myself apart and my self esteem didn’t plummet. I felt sad, but I could accept what was happening without blame or judgment.
Then there was “him”. He also asked for time, but refused to tell me about how much time he needed or if a friendship was even possible once that time had passed. I panicked, he screamed at me that I was too “fucking broken” to be friends with, blocked my IM, and cut off all contact with me. He even “took” our mutual friends with him. They knew him longer and disappeared right after he did with nothing but negative things to say to me, no compassion for what I was going though, no indication they would ever speak to me again, and no acknowledgment of the progress I was making. (I was and had been in therapy for months and had just started new meds, and I WAS getting better… I just hit a rough spot).
Anyway, they left abruptly and their departure was laced with hostility. I didn’t stalk them or do anything to hurt them, even though i was angry… very angry at how they had ended things. Instead I fell apart. I felt alone and abandoned. I felt like I was some horrible person that could never have a healthy relationship with anyone. I locked my heart up in a steel chest and refused to be open to new friendships, and withdrew from existing ones. My sense-of-self was shattered, and it took months (instead of days) for me to recover and get to a place where I’m able to accept what happened, realize that it’s not because I’m a horrible person, and can move on.
Another recent ending involved my ex-fiance’. He had to move away because of how toxic our relationship had become. We BOTH needed space away from each other. Even though it was a mutual decision, it tore me apart. I mean, he was and is the closest thing to family I had. But we vowed to stay friends, set more healthy boundaries with each other, and he promised that no matter what, he would never just disappear without an explanation. And I know he won’t… The pain of that relationship “ending” was bearable because of one simple thing… communication.
If you have to end a relationship with anyone, communication makes all the difference in the world. Without it, the other person is left wondering what went wrong. And for someone with BPD, who already has a fragile sense of self, that translates into, what did ~I~ do wrong? What is wrong with ~ME~? And that could result in months to years of healing being washed away. Luckily, I had other people to help me through these endings, and was far enough along in my healing to only suffer a minor setback. Setbacks that I was able to recover from very quickly. But I can easily see an abrupt, unexplained, and hostile parting wounding someone with BPD so badly that they lash out, or completely fall apart. Both which, in my opinion, can be avoided by one simple thing. Communication.
Tell the other person how you feel and why you need to leave. Calmly. If they don’t accept it, then you’ve at least tried to be compassionate. If they are violent, then by all means, leave without explanation and disappear without a trace if you have to for your own safety. But if the BPD you are planning to leave is in therepy and trying to heal… then at least try to talk to them, maybe even with the advice and help of their therapist, before grabbing that restraining order and changing all your emails and phone numbers. Help them to see that leaving is not necessarily an end, that they have not been abandoned, and your parting doesn’t mean you don’t care for them. There are many ways to leave a relationship, and there is always a choice as to which one you decide on. Remember, you are BOTH hurting, and BOTH deserve a parting that is as compassionate and gentle as possible.
Hi Enygma (I hope I spelled that right)..
I just came across your blog while linking and searching, and you’ve made some really good points.
There are always two sides to every story, and so it is in the “dance” between non and person with bpd. I’m a moderator at a site for nons (http://www.bpdfamily.com) , and the mods do struggle to bring balance to the discussions on our forums.
Many of the people who find our site may not be dealing with someone with bpd, but perhaps someone who is narcissistic or even antisocial. Or someone with bpd who is in denial and hasn’t yet (and perhaps never will) accept the fact that he/she has any real problems that need work.
Many, however, have had truly horrible experiences with the people they are/were with, bpd or not. Many have been burned by an ex with bpd who tells them that he/she wants to be a friend, but “friend” doesn’t mean the same thing to both people, and things get tricky.
It’s hard to generalize about people with bpd, as, even among those who really do have bpd, there are so many differences in the symptoms they display and the way they treat friends and family, differences that you have alluded to between high functioning and low functioning, between someone intent on recovering and someone in denial that there is anything wrong with them. And so many “nons” have issues as well.
Your point is a simple and valid point: Be kind. Don’t jump to restraining orders and “No Contact” unless necessary. Talk to the person with bpd or at least try to explain somehow someway why you can’t continue the relationship.
We have a blog, and I’m going to add an entry and link to this post.. There are situations when restraining orders and changed phone numbers are necessary… and there are situations when they are not.
I wish you well on your journey of recovery
What can be said on this topic. I had a freind that became a roommate that was clearly BPDO. That is the struggle with this issue. No easy answers. It is too difficult to put people in a category and leave it at that. You can leave people and still have compassion for them.