Growth

It’s been a little over 6 months since I was diagnosed with BPD. And lately, I feel like I’ve made some very large steps forward in my ability to live a healthy life. I dislike using the word recovery, because that indicates that I will someday be cured or rid of BPD, and I doubt that is even possible. I think BPD tendencies will always be there in part. What I do believe though, is that I can learn to live a healthy, happy life even with this disorder. So much so that it will, in a sense, go into remission, and rear it’s ugly head less and less as I grow.

The DSM IV defines BPD as a pervasive pattern of instability of interpersonal relationships, self-image, and affects, and marked impulsivity beginning by early adulthood and present in a variety of contexts, as indicated by five (or more) of the following characteristics. So let’s see how I rate…

1. Frantic efforts to avoid real or imagined abandonment.

My responses to abandonment are not as strong as the used to be, but more often then not, feelings of abandonment or rejection can quickly send me into a spiral. So I would say, this is still something I struggle with.

2. A pattern of unstable and intense interpersonal relationships characterized by alternating between extremes of idealization and devaluation.

Yeah, I still do this, though I see improvements, especially in seeing relationships in a more balanced, less black and white way. There is still the occasional sense of “love/hate” with the man I am dating, and tendency to see friends as either my “best friend” or “just someone I know”, so this is still something I’m working on.

3. Identity disturbance: markedly and persistently unstable self-image or sense of self.

I’m finally starting to figure out who I am, but there are areas that still need to be explored. I’m sorta on the fence with this one, but I’ll include it as something I’m still working on.

4. Impulsivity in at least two areas that are potentially self-damaging (e.g., spending, sex, substance abuse, reckless driving, binge eating)

Nope… none of these apply. Woohoo!

5. Recurrent suicidal behaviour, gestures, or threats, or self-mutilating behaviour.

Nope to these too. Yay!

6. Affective instability due to a marked reactivity of mood (e.g., intense episodic dysphoria, irritability, or anxiety usually lasting a few hours and only rarely more than a few days).

My improvement in controlling my mood swings, along with their decreased intensity, is one of the things I am most proud of and have seen the most growth in. So I’m gonna toss this in the “no” column.

7. Chronic feelings of emptiness

I still feel empty sometimes, but not nearly enough to label it chronic. In fact, it’s gotten to the point where if I do feel empty, its only for a few minutes, and not much more then a whisper. Therefore, this ends up in the “no” column too.

8. Inappropriate, intense anger or difficulty controlling anger (e.g., frequent displays of temper, constant anger, recurrent physical fights)

Um… yeah. This is still something I DEFINITELY need to work on. I am getting better at choosing more effective ways to deal with anger though, but it’s an ongoing struggle.

9. Transient, stress-related paranoid ideation or severe dissociative symptoms

Nope.

So, I am still working on 4 of the diagnostic characteristics, in comparison to 7 of them when I was diagnosed. So I would day that is an improvement

But more importantly then any checklist, I can feel growth deep down. I recognize how I react differently to things now, and how I more often then not choose a healthy way of coping things. The times when I’m most likely to come unglued is if I am tired, hungry, or feeling rejected or abandoned. But even then, the duration and intensity of the spiral is much more manageable and I can pull myself out of it WITHOUT HAVING TO TURN TO ANYONE ELSE to help me. I may still call friends as a way to vent or find support, but I don’t NEED to depend on someone else to feel better anymore. And that is very freeing. After 36 years, I’ve finally figured out how to turn to the one person who will always be there for me when I get overwhelmed. Me.

~ by Enygma on June 6, 2008.